Separation leads to suicide among men: Lessons for practitioners

Men end their lives by suicide at three to four times the rate of women. While no suicide can be attributed to a single cause, a significant proportion of suicides take place in the context of relationship breakdown.

In the U.S., a comprehensive study of all individuals who died by suicide between 2003 and 2020 found that among men, one in five suicides occurred in the context of intimate partner problems including breakups, separation, and divorce. Similar numbers have been documented in Australia and the United Kingdom.

My colleagues and I have just undertaken the first systematic review of the international evidence on this issue, reviewing 75 peer-reviewed research articles from 30 countries, with data on over 106 million men. Our review finds that relationship breakdown is a universal risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths in men.

Separation and suicide

Compared to married men, divorced men had almost three times greater odds of death from suicide (x2.8). Separated men had an almost five times higher risk (x4.8). The higher rate for separated men could reflect the acute, immediate emotional challenges of relationship breakdown, while divorce signals its conclusion.

Figure 1

As the figure shows, younger men are more at risk. Separated men aged under 35 years were 8.6 times more likely to suicide than their married counterparts, for example. (Note that single men were not included in the study, since the focus was on the breakdown of relationships rather than just the absence of one).

Some of the link between relationship breakdown and male suicide is explained by pre-existing psychiatric illness, which is also strongly correlated with suicide and a common factor in relationship breakdown too. Yet even taking this into account, divorced and separated men each had near-double the odds of suicide than married men.

While some research suggests men are more at risk than women in the event of relationship breakdown, other research finds universally greater suicide risk among separated or divorced relative to married individuals, with minimal gender differences in levels of risk. What seems to differ between men and women is the factors involved in suicidality, and why men, relative to women, might come to feel suicidal in the event of relationship breakdown.

It is important to note that the news if not all bad: while separation and divorce are obviously hard, men who healthily adjust to their heartache and learn from their experience, have an important opportunity for personal growth.

Breakdown = pain and isolation

To better identify men at risk it is important to understand the individual and social factors heightening the risks of suicide following relationship breakdown. To address this, our review of the global evidence also explored what happens in the event of relationship breakdown for men that so often contributes to suicidality. Our review finds that two common consequences of relationship breakdown fuel men’s suicidality: pain and isolation.

First, it is no secret that relationship breakdown, and particularly marital separation, can be a profoundly arresting emotional experience. The end of a relationship can precipitate a cascade of negative emotions.

Shame, in particular, is a common feature on the path to suicide for many men following relationship breakdown. Shame may arise due to the fracturing of men’s sense of worth and socialized masculine roles as fathers and family men, or the exposure of some men’s vulnerabilities or potential failings amid relationship breakdown.

It appears some men numb their heartache or shame with drugs and alcohol use; others “externalize” through violence towards themselves and/or others. Helping men to adaptively regulate shame in the context of relationship breakdown could be critical in interrupting paths to suicide.

Second, the end of a relationship often leads to social isolation, where many men are left with limited social support. We know that as intimate relationships progress, men can have less time to devote to other social relationships and so over time these can grow distant. Many men are also socialized to rely on their romantic partner as a primary source of social and emotional support, often leading to weaker emotional bonds outside of the romantic sphere. Separation can therefore leave many men with no one to turn to for support, and as such isolation and loneliness can also feature in the path to suicide following relationship breakdown for some men.

Even when men do have friends to turn to, they are not always willing or able to engage constructively with the pain and shame that often follows the end of a romantic relationship. Stereotypically masculine notions about simply ‘getting back on the horse’ can hinder open conversation about the deep emotional impact for many men, or minimize the value of time for reflection and growth before re-partnering.

At times like these, men need friends, and ideally friends who understand the emotional challenges of navigating the end of relationship and of building a new life.

Needed: research, education, support

With such clear evidence for the elevated risk of suicide for men after a breakup, three areas warrant more attention and investment:

1. Targeted research

To inform how to reduce male suicide following relationship breakdown, more targeted research is needed to understand the unique pathways to suicide among different subgroups of men. For too long, researchers have focused on men’s vulnerability in aggregate relative to women, when we know there are subgroups of men with unique risk factors (e.g., fathers, and young, separated men). We need to delve more deeply into these subgroups and track their adjustment following relationship breakdown to identify critical and unique opportunities for suicide prevention.

2. Targeted education

A clear opportunity exists for upstream, universal suicide prevention with reference to relationship breakdown. Education for young people, particularly young men, regarding not only how to form and maintain equitable relationships, but also how to navigate rejection and breakdown and support healthy adjustment could hold potential for universal suicide prevention. An example is New Zealand’s Love Better campaign which normalizes the messiness of breakups for young people, and aims to provide tangible advice for reflection, recovery and growth.

3. Targeted screening and peer support

Screening for suicidality and if necessary, referral to support services should be part of any professional services (e.g., family mediation) that are in regular contact with people who are separating. There is a role for employers here too, providing support and structure to workers, especially men, who are navigating relationship breakdown. Public health campaigns could help men learn the skills and language that could help them to best support a friend during these difficult times.

Almost all men will experience the end of a close romantic relationship. Young men routinely transition in and out of relationships as they learn to navigate intimacy and form their identities. Around one in three men who marry will divorce in the US.

From a suicide prevention perspective, the end of a relationship should set alarm bells ringing, especially for men. That is a lesson for researchers, health care and other providers, policymakers – and for each of us, too.

Michael Wilson

Michael Wilson is a Research Fellow at Orygen, University of Melbourne, specializing in men's mental health, suicide risk, and healthy masculinities. He is a PhD candidate studying relationship breakdown and suicide in men.