Talk to your boys: Tips for parents about mental health

People used to joke that men would drive until they were out of gas before they’d ask for directions. Nowadays, with GPS, there’s rarely a reason to ask for directions—but there are still plenty of reasons for men to ask for help.

A 2022 study conducted by University of California, Los Angeles professor Mark Kaplan found that the majority of men who die by suicide have no known history of mental health problems. This doesn’t mean suicide comes out of nowhere, but rather that men in crisis are not seeking the support that could possibly save their lives.

What is keeping our boys and young men silent, even when they may be in danger? There are many contributing factors, but the stigma against men who struggle emotionally or seek help for emotional or mental health struggles is often considered the primary contributor to this scary statistic.

Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) under­score just how big of a concern this is:

• Suicide accounts for almost 40,000 deaths a year among men and 10,000 among women.
• Suicide is consistently the first or second leading cause of death for boys and men ages 15 to 34.
• The suicide rate in this age group of men has risen by almost a third just since 2010.
• While teen girls attempt suicide more than teen boys, boys are four times more likely to die by suicide.
• More than half of all deaths by suicide involve firearms.

Removing stigma around boys and mental health

Parents and other caring adults can help boys feel more comfortable talking about emotional health by simply introducing some deeper questions into everyday conversations.

Here are a few examples:

SCENARIO: Your kid shares that a teacher scolded him for not complet­ing an assignment.

Instead of: Skipping straight to problem-solving mode, address the feelings he may be having…

Try saying: “That sounds stressful. How did you feel when that happened?”

SCENARIO: Your kid shares that he’s heard a rumor that the person he’s had a crush on for a while is dating a jerk whom he hates.

Instead of: Dismissively saying, “well, there will be other options,” or admonishing him for not having “made a move” earlier, or suggesting he ask around to see if it’s true…

Try saying: “I can imagine that would be super frustrating. How are you feeling about that?”

How to start a conversation when a boy seems down

Your kid may not get super dramatic or specific when you ask about his feelings. In fact, it’s likely he’ll say something more along the lines of “it sucks” or “whatever, I guess.” His answer doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you are asking, and he knows he can talk to you

Here are a few conversation starters:

• “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed less happy than usual. Do you want to play a video game with me later?”
• “We don’t need to talk about it now, but it seems like you’re going through something heavy. I’m here anytime you want to talk. You can text me, too.”

Signs your boy may be struggling

“Teenage boys are just as easily hurt as girls,” therapist William Meleney told us. The difference, he says, is that boys may not cry the same way girls typically do—or in the same situa­tions. But that doesn’t mean they won’t—or shouldn’t—shed tears, they just may do so in private or while expressing anger.

Given the emotional ups and downs of adolescent life, it can be hard to know when your child is truly suffering. So what should parents look for? We asked Patricia A. O’Gorman, who has decades of experience helping adolescents with a mental health challenges—including addiction and suicidal feelings—for a list of warning signs.

Note that one sign may not be a cause for concern. Look for emerging patterns, or clusters of signs. The Child Mind Institute recommends watching for the “Three Ds”: Distress, duration, and disruption.

Here are some questions to consider:

• Distress: How hard is your child struggling?
• Duration: How long has this been going on?
• Disruption: How much are their symptoms getting in the way of what the child needs or wants to do?

Watch in particular for:

• Rapid change in dress, hygiene, and self-care: not bathing regularly, not changing clothes
• Changes in how they eat
• No longer making eye contact
• Withdrawing from physical touch
• Inability to follow a conversation
• Bouts of crying or sudden flashes of anger
• Racing thoughts or new worries that he cannot get out of his head
• Repeatedly becoming upset, hitting/injuring himself
• Withdrawing from his pet
• Withdrawing from his friends, breaking up with his love interest
• Suddenly canceling plans for activities they had been looking forward to attending

So, what should you do? Stay connected. Ask, engage, comfort. And, as Dr. John Duffy, author of the book “Rescuing Our Sons” told us, “Therapy is rarely a mistake, even if, in retrospect, it seems like an overreaction.”

A message to men raising boys

We asked Terrence Real, famed therapist, dad of two sons, and author of the pioneering book on men’s mental health “I Don’t Want to Talk About It,” how dads can break patterns of silence and stoicism.

“Our kids don’t need strong fathers, they need connected, big-hearted fathers,” Real told us. “And that’s very different from your father and the way you were raised. Be a pioneer, change the legacy. You do that by opening your heart.”

How?

“Do your work, get into therapy,” Real explained. “Do your own trauma work. Go away for a weekend. Do a men’s group. Do something to open yourself up and let them see it. The best gift you can give your children is your own recovery. Break the legacy by doing the work.”

Excerpt adapted from “Talk To Your Boys” by Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper (Workman Publishing). Copyright ©2025.

Christopher Pepper

Christopher Pepper is the co-author of the forthcoming book Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men, which will be out in Sept. 2025. He is an award-winning health educator in the San Francisco Unified School District, where he helps coordinate the district's Young Men’s Health Project, which brings middle and high school boys together to talk about relationships, emotions, and healthy masculinity. His work has been featured in the New York Times, The San Francisco Chronicle, USA Today, Edutopia, and on National Public Radio.

Joanna Schroeder